Feeling Down

Julie - I’m going to admit to feeling pretty down these days.  They (you know who “they” are, don’t you?) always warn you that when treatment for cancer ends the real work begins.  That people feel a little lost, etc.  I can see why.  I realized that I was so focused for so long – on staying healthy through treatment, on keeping my attitude good.  Now that that’s mostly over (I do have one more surgery to go but it’s for reconstruction and not for treatment) I feel really off anchor.

I’m back at work (I actually sat down to write about how much I love my work but I’ll save that for another day) but parts of it feel a little tenuous since I’m not back to my usual amount and there are some insurance issues to deal with.  (I live in Massachusetts and we’re about to enter into a new phase of what’s called “universal” coverage but is really mandatory purchasing of commercial insurance.)  I have one speaking gig coming up that I’m looking forward to but it’s a new subject and need to get on it!  I’ve been inspired to write an article on breast cancer and osteoporosis and have done a lot of research but haven’t done much else.  I did clean up my upstairs office! (A little.)  Relationships with family and friends are readjusting to a non-crisis state and that’s a challenge too.  I can’t quite get myself to make reservations for a trip out to visit my dear sister on the west coast.  And I keep finding that I need to attend to large and small issues that I left by the wayside when cancer was the only thing in my life.

And the weather is getting cold.  I’m not a fan of that.  I’m still making myself walk most days but know it will be a challenge as the days shorten and only mid-day is warm.

So, it’s a new season – of the year, of my life.  I’m coming up on one year of finding the lump.  But today is the release date of The End – the 13th and final book of The Series of Unfortunate Events.  Last year I was out visiting my sister and reading the 12th book, my benign acting lump had just returned and I was terrified.  I lay in bed at night reading and wondering if I’d get a chance to read the final book.  Could I get the author to come to me at my death bed and whisper the outcome into my ear?  But, the good news is that I’m still here, first on the list at the library to read it, and still dealing with the grunt work of life. 

Ah, the ups and downs.